Things that are not as good as they used to be:

1. Wendy's hamburgers. They used to be so juicy and meaty (insert lame "Where's the beef?" joke here). Now they are about as satisfying as a scratch'n'sniff sticker of a hamburger.

2. France. Okay, well my dreams of visiting France. Sure, the country has an incredible collection of beautiful art and architecture that I would kill to see; and of course French cooking and wine are divine; and the movies are wonderful, and even when they're not they're still great because the sound of that lovely language spoken by the likes of Juliette Binoche is so pleasing to the ear. But then there are the French. I hate to sound like a damn Republican, but I hate French people. They are my least favorite customers to wait on - difficult, arrogant and cheap. One of the most unintentionally funny things a customer ever said to me while I was waiting tables was, "I am French. I eat every day." Her tone implied that I was too stupid and American to understand food the way civilized people who "eat every day" do, and that I should defer to her superior judgment. For the record, she was arguing that her lovely Louisiana oysters did not taste "French enough." Mind you, this was in New Orleans. Mr. Rudolph and I love to break this line out at slightest provocation (generally when intoxicated) in our froggiest voices. (It's a good thing we like each other, because no else does.)

3. Hangovers, or, rather, my ability to avoid them. For all you partiers under the age of 24 who think you're not ever going to get them...well, never mind. Just enjoy yourself. Have a few for me.

4. Movies. Movies are so great when you are a kid - they are filled with mystery and excitement and surprise. Then you see enough, begin to recognize the formula and realize they are all the same damn movie.

5. Junkfood. I wish I could go back to the days of eating a bags of Cheetos and banana splits without feeling guilty (and without getting a bellyache). It really sucks that just about the time you're old enough to choose what you want to eat you start becoming health and weight conscious. As Alanis would whine, "Isn't it ironic? Dontcha think?"

6. Cartwheels. Ouch.

7. FM radio. Fuck ClearChannel.

8. In a related vein, U2. Fuck Bono.


In the interests of not sounding incredibly negative, I will present a list of the few things that are better than they used to be:

1. Cell phones. My mom used to haul around a shoebox-sized one with an enormous antenna. We thought she was so cool. Actually calling people involved shouting at the top of her lungs (mostly "What?" and "you're breaking up.") And she never let us use it because it cost about $427 dollars per minute.

2. Sex.

Actually, that's all.