Red Sox: junk food and living wills

Ahh, tonight is the game I have been waiting for all year. My heart is fluttering. This week is baseball season. I have everything I need to psychologically prepare for this series:

1. Junk food. This week I am officially on hiatus from vegetables, whole grain and yogurt. In their place I have appropriate game-viewing food: jalapeno poppers (don't make me look up the tilde for the "n" in jalapeno), Wings of Fire, corndogs and pepperoni pizza. For variety, I have bourbon-laced brownies and coffee ice cream. Expected weight gain: 5 pounds.
2. A case of beer. Self-explanatory. Expected weight gain: 9 pounds.
3. Radiant Hope and Optimism that will wither at the first ominous sign.
4. A living will in case my suicide attempt or heart attack at the end of the series leaves me comatose. (Good thing nobody reads this blog, or that comment would be in poor taste). Expected weight loss due to illness: 5 pounds.
5. A vocabulary stocked with the most vulgar epithets, swears and curses that I stockpile for use during Red Sox/Yankees games. Expected weight loss due to swearing: none (silly, who ever heard of losing weight because of swearing? I would like to have the patent on that diet!)
6. 86 years worth of superstition and dread. Expected weight loss due to excessive sweating: 8 pounds.

I'm ready. Bring it on, baseball gods.

(Net weight gain: 1 pound)